I just love weddings.
The hope. The promises. The look of love in the couple’s eyes.
I love to listen to the vows. Often I’ll reach over and squeeze my
husband’s hand as I remember that precious day in October 1984 when
we proclaimed our love and made promises before God and our families.
…..”to love, honor and cherish, for better, for worse, for
richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health...”
Sadly, the joy felt at weddings does not always last. The divorce
statistics tell us that! The challenges of every-day life get in the
way and the next thing we know the hopes, dreams and promises are
shattered. This is especially true if one of those every day
challenges happens to be a chronic illness or disability. A
staggering 75% of couples faced with a chronic illness or disability
choose to end their marriage.
How can we reverse that trend? Why is it so much harder to stay
married in these circumstances? What does the Bible say we should do?
How can we safeguard our own marriages from this deplorable
statistic?
Too often couples will find that the emotional toil, financial
burdens and constant demands dealing with an on-going illness will
create insurmountable stress. Add that to the stress of careers,
children, extended family, bills, etc and it’s a recipe for
disaster. An illness present before the wedding may be easier to cope
with than something that comes along in the prime of life and
disrupts the status quo. Acceptance may come hard to either party.
Big changes might become necessary over time. And with the changes
there might be heartache, bitterness, sadness, disbelief, exhaustion,
anxiety, frustration, anger, depression.
“This isn’t what I signed up for!” might become the battle cry
of either party. Certainly the one who is ill did not expect it
unless there was some way to foreshadow the onset. It is almost
expected that one, if not both parties will suffer some kind of
illness in the “golden years.” That’s bad enough! But to have
it happen in the “prime” of life upsets all the plans and joys of
that magical wedding day.
I ran across this this beautiful essay a number of years ago.
Although it was written by a mom coming to terms with her child’s
disability, it is appropriate for anyone coming to grips with a
disability in the family.
WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by
Emily Perl
Kingsley.
c1987 by
Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved
I am often
asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability
- to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to
understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're
going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip -
to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful
plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice.
You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months
of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags
and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess
comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?"
you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm
supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's
been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there
you must stay.
The important
thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting,
filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a
different place.
So you must
go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new
language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would
never have met.
It's just a
different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than
Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your
breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has
windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone
you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all
bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest
of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to
go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain
of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of
that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you
spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you
may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things
... about Holland.
Living with a disabled spouse is like waking up and finding out your
plane landed in Holland. It may not be what you planned or hoped for
on that special day, but it can be enjoyable, none the less.
The secret lies in not focusing so much on what you are missing, but
in rejoicing in the blessings you have been given. It involves
remembering to laugh often and keeping the friendship alive, much the
same way healthy couples need to do in order to keep their
relationship strong. It is learning to live for today.
Bitterness, despair, anger,sadness or resentment may try to destroy
your union however they need not be allowed a stronghold upon your
marriage. It takes quite a bit of effort to safeguard against these
negative influences. Just as you took vows on your wedding day, you
must make a commitment to each other to work earnestly to stay the
course.
Scripture tells us:
- Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will bring its own worries . (Matthew 6: 34)
- Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. (1 Corinthians 13: 7 NLT)
- Come to me all who are heavy laden and I will give you rest.(Matthew 11:28)
So how do we learn to enjoy our detour to Holland?
First, believe in your heart that your love will endure through every
circumstance. You believed it on your wedding day, didn’t you? Pull out those
wedding photos and recall all the love, faith, trust, hope and joy you both felt on your special day. If you are like most,
your photos will reflect the deep love and emotional bond you share.
Second, imagine, if you will, that you can take all your troubles and
concerns that normally weigh you down and place them in a basket.
Trouble with relationships? Put it in the basket! Bills? Put them in
the basket! Health issues? Put them in the basket. (You get the
idea!) Fill that basket to overflowing. Now imagine yourself dragging
that basket to the cross and saying, “Jesus, I tried to carry this
basket myself. I don’t know what I was thinking because this load
is far to heavy for me. I need you to take this burden from me.”
Then put the basket down at the base of the cross and walk away from
it. Allow Jesus to carry the basket of burdens for you.
Third, as long as you do not attempt to get the basket back, you
should not have to worry.
Focusing on God will give you both the strength and hope to face the
future together. Let Him show you the delights that Holland has to
offer.
Marriage
is not easy. Living with a chronic illness or disability is not easy
either. A marriage that is affected by a chronic illness can be a
challenge however there is no challenge that God can’t handle. You
believed it on your wedding day. Believe it now as well!
Love this post Valerie, especially the part about putting all our worries and burdens in a basket and dragging it to the cross! I believe if more couples focused on rejoicing in the blessings they have been given versus focusing on what they were missing, there would be a lot more happy marriages out there. Thanks for your wisdom!
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